1. Stand tall outside your office building during break.
2. Position unlit cigarette between first and second fingers of right hand; grasp lighter in left hand.
3. Drop head forward until forehead touches knee
4. Extend arms forward, flicking lighter. Slowly rise, clasp hands together and light cigarette.
5. Place cigarette in mouth and inhale; cough on exhale
6. Focus on the release of tension attained through the power of totally organic nicotine.
NOTE: This yoga pose should be used only as a last resort, like after an animated “conversation” with your ex regarding money, or the morning after a Feisty Goat.
1. Lock the bathroom door.
2. Insert earplugs.
3. Fill the tub.
4. Use your rolled-up yoga mat to wipe up puddles.
5. Crawl into tub.
6. Put on a snorkel.
7. Submerge completely.
8. Breathe deeply.
9. Tension in your throbbing temples might or might not go away, but there’s nothing good on television so it’s worth a shot.
10. Do not break this pose until you’re goddamn good and ready.
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